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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I made it a week and a half..

So I could not go a month with out weighing myself.  After making it  a week this past weekend I got to thinking.  What happens if I don't weigh myself for a month, and I get on the scale and I'm like 175lbs?  Anxiety set in, I started to panic.  I knew if this happened it would be horrid on my mental well being.  I imagined the extreme anxiety and depression that set it, and tears formed in my eyes.  I tried to force the feelings out but it was near impossible.  So Monday morning I brought it up to my hubby, and asked him what he thought, and what he thinks I should do.  Later on that afternoon he said we can weigh ourselves tomorrow (this morning), and maybe instead of trying to go a month with out weighing shooting for once a week is better.  I was expecting another gain from last time, but secretly hoping not.   Well I got on the scale and I'm up to almost 165lbs.  I'm so upset, all of my fat clothes are now tight, and I don't even want to wear makeup anymore.  I don't even feel like caring how I look, its just totally depressing and mentally stressful to me.  What have I done?  Well I'm trying to focus on what I'm eating now.  No more SHIT!  I want to focus on eating clean, maybe not so paleo/primal, but clean low carb.  I'm allowing myself some peanut butter, some legumes, and some dairy.  I need to fix this!  I am trying to get in my 10000 steps a day, and I also bought a rebounder to bounce on occasionally.
I bought a new book to read;   The Protein Boost Diet by Ridha Arem.   It is supposed to improve your hormone efficiency for a fast metabolism and weight loss.  I am half way through and all the book has talked about is stress, hormones, and menopause.  I think I will adopt some of the ideas in this book, but some of the ideas just make me want to throw it against the wall and scream.  I am going to eat egg yolks, I am not cutting down on red meat (mine is grass fed so stop with the saturated fat is bad bullshit), and this whole mantra on eating low fat dairy is bullshit.. You tell me not to eat sugar, but eat low fat dairy?  fucking oxymoron because when you remove fat from dairy its replaced with sugar..  ANYWHO..  I'm learning, I'm not done with the book yet, and I will continue to read and update on my findings!

I want to say thank you to some of my readers and friends.  You have been super sweet by showing me how much you care and worrying about my well being.  Thank you so much for that, it makes me feel great.

I also want to post about how I like to post about my feelings, I want you guys to know if and when  I have hit rock bottom, I cry, I get psycho, I feel sorry for myself and I get pissed!  I'm human, and I post about it because I know people can relate, and its amazing when you are feeling like shit, and you can read about someone else and know you are not alone.  I do this because I have been in a very dark place in my far past, and I want others to know they are not alone.  Well I'm off now, to go read more about hormones, how to regulate them, and hopefully since I'm more then half way done, it will start to discuss eating!  YAY

Sweet dreams everyone! XOXOXO
Love Ya!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Day 3 no scale!

OK! so I am freaking out with out weighing myself every day, and its only day 3.  I feel bloated, fat, ugly.... The list goes on!
Today is St Patrick's day, yesterday I went to my mother in laws house, ate corned beef and cabbage, tasted some of my sister in laws AMAZING Irish soda bread (BAD KERRY)   and of course I know I am paying for it today being that I woke up looking 7 months pregnant.  All I can do is try to laugh about it, I knew that would happen but at least I can't weigh myself and beat the poop up over myself over it.

Happy birthday to my husband, and happy birthday to my mommy!  Odd enough they are both named Pat (yes I married someone with the same nickname as my mom ACKWARDDDD).
I'm  sitting here debating on what I should eat for dinner , hubby went out for his birthday and its so strange to be home alone with the kids knowing hes out partying on his birthday.  I'm not upset, its just odd.  I guess I was secretly hoping he wanted to spend the night with me, but its fine, he will be home sooner or later.  LOL I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES!

Saturday afternoon I picked up 1/8th of a grass fed steer, and 1/4th of a grass fed pig from my Meetup.com meat group.  My freezer is jammed with yummies,  so I think maybe I should treat myself to something delish, fried in butter and a stiff drink on the side!

WHERE TO START?  Well soon I need to adopt an exercise plan I can stick to also, so please feel free to chime in at any time to point me in the right direction!  

Thursday, March 13, 2014

It's been awhile, I'm broken...

So I'm writing this post to let it all out.  I sit here with anxiety,  fear,  depressed,  lost and confused.
The only way I am able to lose weight is fat fasting.   For those of you who do not know what that is: eating 1000 calories a day with 90% coming from fat.   This results in me eating cream cheese and heavy cream.
I decided this is not normal,  and this is no way to live. 
I have been reading online and I think it's safe to say my metabolism is broken.  I'm always cold,  my heart rate is low,  I gain eating very low calorie and carb,  my periods are irregular,  I'm depressed,  I'm easily winded,  I'm always tired, my joints ache,  and I'm always sick.   Now if that's not enough I can openly admit that I have abused diet pills,  fad diets and fasting (A LOT) in the past,  always looking for that magic pill.

I sit here worrying,  hardly able to swallow my lunch thinking how bad I have treated my body even eating Paleo.  I'm so sad, I'm literally sick to my stomach.   I'm in need of healing,  and I'm not really in the mood.   I don't know what to do,  where to go.

I do know I should probably go back on a Paleo diet,  focus on healthy carbs and throw out my scale. I know I will have to gain more weight even though I'm about 160lbs, in order to heal myself.   I'm sweating thinking about not weighing myself every day,  I could vomit right here at work,  right on my desk on my tablet as I write this. But I will tape measure.

If anyone has any suggestions,  doctors,  books,  Web sites,  please let me know,  I'm grasping for straws!


P.s. I'm not going off plan for the holidays any more,  that 20lb wit gain is not worth it.